To all of you who are new to DTH, WELCOME! It’s a crazy ass tea party with bourbon in teacups and we play well with all who are fun and willing to lighten the fuck up. To the dickshits who dare defy the rules of DTH, lemme introduce you to our philosophy….
If you’re going to take a trip down the hole (DTH), then you should be forewarned as to what awaits you down here, where we are most certainly all a little bit mad. But let’s face it, the best ones are. So, take heed:
1. If you are easily butthurt, you won’t like me or my page and you can kindly go suck your thumb, call the whahhhhhhmbulance, and go the fuck away right now.
2. I say “fuck” a lot. So much so that my stupid smartphone now changes the word duck to fuck. I also say a lot of other creative curse words that would make your grandma blush if she had her hearing aid turned up. If you want to expand your vocabulary, you’ve come to the right place.
3. Here in the Hole, we have adopted the policy of ZFG. ZFG stands for Zero Fucks Given. We give no fucks for most things. Fucks are given for children, animals, and random other things we decide fucks should be given for.
4. I have a family of Mad Hatters (MH), of which you are now all a part of. But the ones that live with me are my favorites. Most of the time. There’s Slim Shady. She is not a rapper nor is she from 8 Mile. She is my eleven-year old beautiful daughter who earned her nickname thanks to Granddaddy Hatter’s fascination with comparing her to a peanut M&M. (Get it – M&M = Eminem = Slim Shady). She is me in a much smaller form and without the potty mouth. Then there is my baby, Bat Squirrel. He’s three years younger than his sis, but almost as big as her and he loves all of the superheroes, all of the time, but when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grows up, with no hesitation, he says, “Batman.” I’m good with that as long as I get to drive the Bat Pod.
5. Then there’s my husband, who is very hot, flies things with missiles and rockets and shit, and most importantly, puts up with my ass. I love him super hard. Unless he is being a crotchnugget, in which case I still love him hard, but may use my megaphone to express my love in alternate forms. I call him Ace, because, well, he’s the shit. He’s even so much the shit now that he has his own page. You should go give him a like. That makes him happy.
6. We give all kinds of fucks for animals. We have the bubs, Napster/Naps/Napoleon – he’s the little dictator, and Wucky (also known as Lucky Dog or when he’s being a dick, Fucky the Dog). They are so damn cute I don’t even care that they shit on my flip flops. We also have a pussy with an attitude that loves to escape on the regular, and two interloping dogs and a skunk that are staying with us for a few months – they all work at the zoo, but I do not. We used to have a goat, but she kept trying to get in the car and drive away so we sent her to a farm down south.
7. I’m a big fan of telling it like it is and could give two shits if you agree with me or not. If you want to be a twatlicking cunt monkey and whine and cry about the content of the page, walk away quickly because Hatters have no problem shipping you to the Queen of Hearts – and we all know what she likes to do to people who insult her.
To those of you that are still here, welcome to your trip Down The Hole… Enjoy it, bitches!