Everything You Wanted To Know About Me, and More
I am a recovering lawyer who finally decided what I wanted to be when I grew up: a writer and a social media queen. Plus, being a queen gives me an excuse to wear my tiaras and crowns around without too many odd looks. I am very wordy and I like to talk a lot. Except when I don’t. Then just leave me alone.
I also like to swear. A lot. If that isn’t your cup of tea, you probably won’t enjoy it here, so thanks for stopping by.
A few years ago, when I figured out that being a criminal defense lawyer was similar to being a hostage in a no way out situation, I started a little humor blog over on Facebook called Down The Hole. It’s not as little as it used to be. The last time I looked, we were a tribe of over 14,000 strong. These 14,000 of my closest, zaniest personalized therapy group have grown into a wonderful community of friends and even family. It’s a great community of people who love to laugh with me, and sometimes at me. If it were not for them (and my family nagging me to finally write a book about my crazy life) you wouldn’t be reading this. You can join us and our crazy crew over on Facebook right here. See how easy I’m making this for you?
I abide by my own golden rule, well, two golden rules actually. The first one is that I try to live by a philosophy of zero fucks given. The second one is don’t be a dick. Life is pretty much that easy. Oh, and also, use the Oxford comma, people. It makes a difference. It’s definitely a mad, mad world over on my humor page, and we’re all a little bit mad, but as the foremost expert in the field once said, “All the best ones are.”
I say “fuck” a lot. I also say all the swears and I even make some up. I also come up with a multitude of other creative cursy epithets that would make your grandma blush if she had her hearing aid turned up. Last year I made an adult coloring book with one of my cohorts in crime, fellow blogger, and one of my best friends in real life. The book is called “AllTheSwears” and you can buy it on Amazon if you want one. You can also order a personalized copy by contacting me and I will provide you with your very own sweary dedication.
While the majority of my writing is humorous and light-hearted, I sometimes talk about mental illness, particularly depression and generalized anxiety disorder because I have dealt with them personally. I don’t hide the fact that I have struggled with these problems, and I can remember having problems with anxiety back to when I was eight years old. I don’t think these are issues to hide in the dark even though they sometimes send me there. And because I think it is important to educate our children about expressing these feelings if they start to have them at a young age, I do not hide the fact from my children that deal with these illnesses, because I sometimes have bad days and they need to understand why.
I am married to a badass fighter pilot who serves and protects our country. I call him Ace, not because of his accuracy with hellfire missiles and rockets, although it would be an accurate reason to do so. I call him Ace because he’s really not the best driver and has been known to drive past the road that leads to our house, and one time, I blurted out, “Smooth move, Ace, you just missed our turn.” So, Ace it’s been ever since.
We are a blended family, and we have two amazing children, who were lucky enough to gain a second great dad when Ace and I got married. I am very territorial about my children and I will sometimes (ok, oftentimes) write about them, but I don’t use their real names and I typically don’t post photos of them. Our beautiful, tween daughter goes by the moniker of Slim Shady. She earned her nickname thanks to her Granddaddy’s fascination with comparing her first ultrasound picture to a peanut M&M. (Get it – M&M = Eminem = Slim Shady). She is me in a much smaller form and without the potty mouth. Most days she’s awesome. Some days, I look at her and think, “Dear God, what did I do that was so bad you decided to create two of me?” She is incredibly talented at everything she does, and right now those things are art, all things music, and volleyball.
Then, there’s the Bat Squirrel. He used to be all about Batman, and even coined the phrase “I’m poopin’ like a Batman toy for real!” (We have absolutely no idea what he meant, but we never found a Batman toy in the toilet after he pooped, so the mystery shall remain unsolved.) Now, he’s all about WWE ALL THE FREAKING TIME. I know more about where every WWE champion is from and what their weight is than I ever wanted to know. He also is into all the sportsing, which is currently soccer, then baseball, then football, then basketball, then he’s going to be a WWE superstar. He’s also going to play for the Red Sox, which is cool because they’re my favorite baseball team and then he can buy our retirement house on the Cape if this writing gig doesn’t pan out. He also has the attention span of a squirrel, which works out well because I do too and a conversation between the two of us is interesting, to say the least. Oh, and I actually do have ADD, so I apologize for when I squirrel. Not really, but I’m supposed to say that to be polite, my therapist said. Pffft.
We have two of the derpiest dogs known to man, who are litter mates and are silver labs: Lucky, usually referred to as “Fucky,” or “Dipshit Number 1” and Napoleon, commonly referred to as “Naps,” or “Dipshit Number 2.” There is also our asshat feline, Apache, or “Hellfire Kitty,” or just “that asshole cat.” He was a shelter cat that we rescued because mousetraps became insufficient to keep up with the rodent problem that goes along with living in a house that was built on a cornfield. I had never owned a cat before, but he was the second best $10 ever spent. Slim was the first. Seriously, she cost me $10 to have through my insurance. I miss that insurance.
Oh! Books, I write books. See? I squirreled on you already and you aren’t even through the “About Me” section that my website design guru Queen told me I had to write.
Currently, I am working on two books. One is a memoir/anthology/humor book that contains mostly true stories about my life as I know it, with certain names and facts changed to protect me from civil and criminal liability. It is tentatively titled, “Because My Crown Slipped and I Forgot To Give A Fuck.”
I am also in the middle of crafting a legal thriller (I hope you find it thrilling, because I’m really wanting to make this writing gig more permanent or else I think the husband is going to make me go back to the real work force and I don’t think I can make myself wear suits every day ever again). I’ve been published on Scary Mommy, Megsanity, and other blog sites for my writing. The rest of my published works are boring legal tomes that if your sleeping meds aren’t working for you, shoot me a message and I’ll send you one of them to help you fall asleep.
So, that’s it. That’s all about me. Until I remember something I forgot to tell you.
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