A Song Of Fire, Ice, and Hating George R.R. Martin
(Who Clearly Has Less of A Soul Than Gingers)
AKA, A Recap of S07E06 From Four Self-Admitted Game of Thrones Addicts
Me: Six minutes until GoT, bitches!!! Who’s gonna die, tonight?
MNWNW: My guess is everyone.
Cupcake: This milkshake is gonna die.
Me: This plate of steak already died.
MNWNW: I’m killing this glass of Pinot Noir.
As we all settled in for a warm, North of the Wall night, we had our group text set up, Ace was sitting next to me, and MNWNW and Cupcake were in their respective abodes, and our commentary was ready to begin.
I pressed play on HBO GO and NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Why won’t it fucking start?
“GODDAMMIT, HBO, YOU PIGFUCKING, COWSUCKING, CROW HOEING SONS OF WHITE WALKERS!”
“Calm down, Baby,” Ace said to me.
Whoaaaaa. Clearly, Ace has been out of the country or out of the living room too long to think that me calming down during GAME OF FUCKING THRONES will ever happen.
MNWNW: I am pausing my tv in solidarity, sister. Hit me when you’re up and running.
Ten painnnnnnnful minutes later, we were a go, Houston. Ooops, maybe not Houston, today. How about Cape Canaveral? Anyhow, to the story…..
I have a new favorite bromance in my life and it’s not Jorah and Jon and Gendry has nothing to do with it, either.
I’m partial to gingers, being one, of course, so Tormund is now my favorite person on this show, next to Khaleesi, of course. And the dragons. And not necessarily in that order.
“Walking’s good fighting’s better fucking’s best.” (Tormund to Jon) BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love him!
Wait, what? Jon is giving Jorah Longclaw after they’ve crossed under the wall. This kid really does know nothing. Does he even HAVE another weapon? Dear God, they’re all gonna die.
At least Jorah is smart enough to give it back. Wait, what did he say? It will serve him well AND his children after him???
MNWNW: Does this mean that Jon and Dany aren’t going to get it on?
Me: Or does it mean she’s going to birth a dragon, because that would be some epic shit, right there.
Somebody: That one doesn’t look so good. Davos says he’s a good fighter.
The Hound (or Tormund, IDK – it’s moving too fast): Good. Sometimes a good fighter is better than being smart?????
Gendry: She strapped me down to a bed, she stripped me naked….
The Hound: Sounds alright so far.
Oh yay, here we go with cray cray assassin Arya and Lady Sansa, who, is it me, or is she walking around with a stick up her ass? Or maybe Littlefucker’s hand? (Ace totally gets credit for the Littlefucker moniker – I can’t believe it took us seven seasons to come up with that name for him.)
Cupcake: Shit’s about to go down!!!!! Arya’s dropping the raven’s message from season one to Sansa.
MNWNW: She’s a pretty shitty assassin, talking so loud for all of Winterfell to hear.
Me: Yeah, but someone’s got to die, soon. We’ve had no deaths and it’s been like, ten minutes into the episode. They can’t kill them all in the last ten minutes. I’ll need therapy.
Me, again: Oh, hell, did Sansa just tell Arya she should be on her knees to her? This isn’t going to end well.
Also, WHERE THE FUCK IS BRAN????? This lame ass three-eyed raven piece of bird shit could clear allllllllllthethings up in a heart beat. Wonder if he’s looking under Lianna Mormont’s robes to see what she looks like naked. I mean, why tell Jon he’s a fucking Targaryen or tell Arya and Sansa that Littlefucker is manipulating them all. Stupid useless bird.
And, here comes the bromance.
The Hound: Fuck off.
Tormund: Were you born mean or do you just hate wildlings?
The Hound: I don’t give two shits about Wildlings. Gingers I hate.
HOLD THE FRONT DOOR, ya asshole! Why does everyone have to hate on gingers. Kick him in the nuts, Tormund.
Tormund: Gingers are beautiful! We are kissed by the fire, just like you.
Well, not exactly what I would’ve done, but true story.
Oooooops! He almost touched The Hound. And now we’re going to talk about the Hound’s fear of fire….refill time.
Hi there! It’s Ace – I’m taking over.
I don’t think I feel comfortable with The Hound and Tormund talking about sucking dicks and cocks. DTH needs to get her cute little ass back here soon.
Sheezus – I leave for one minute and he’s all about the cock. I’m back.
Ha! And I’m back in time for the pussy comment. And they’re talking about Brienne.
Tormund: I have a great blonde beauty waiting back for me at Winterfell. She’s almost as tall as you.
The Hound: Brienne of Tarth?
Tormund: Ah, so you do know her?
Blah blah blah…. oh, HA! The Hound: She looks at you like she wants to carve you up and eat your liver?
The Hound: How did a mad fucker like you live this long?
Tormund: I’m good at killing people.
Possibly the best line EVER. And definitely the best bromance to date. Well, maybe Tyrion and Bronn. Or Jamie and Bronn. Or Bronn and anyone.
BREAK TO DANERYS AND TYRION
MNWNW: Oh. No. She. Did. Not. Just. Say. Jon. Snow. Is. Too. Little. For. Her.
Ace: Ha! To a dwarf!
Tyrion appears to drink and know a lot of things right now. WTF, Dany???? Why are you not listening to your hand? You have four maniacs screaming at various televisions telling you to lose your attitude and listen to the advice of the man who knows the Lannisters better than anyone.
Me: He’s thinking big picture and strategy.
Ace: She’s war gaming. That’s not going to work.
Me: I think that’s what I just said.
Ace: But I was following it up.
Me: Shush. Forest. Trees. They’re still talking.
Ooooh, snap. She just shut him down. Surprised there wasn’t a whack-a-mole hammer in her hand.
Do bears have blue eyes?
Um, yeah, Gendry, they do, NORTH OF THE FUCKING WALL!!!!
Wait, who did the bear just eat? Just an extra. Ok. Carry on.
Me: And now we have flaming swords? Where did we get flaming swords? I don’t remember flaming swords, but we totally needs must have these for our next D.C. outing. And, I now have a whole new respect for Thoros, whose name I didn’t even remember until this episode. Don’t worry, Ace. He’s the guy with the second flaming sword. The one without the eye patch.
(Side note – my husband cannot remember the names of any characters in this show, even though he has watched it from its inception. He is a chemical and nuclear engineer on top of being a fighter pilot, folks. But names on a show? Fuggedaboutit.)
Well, we had a calm couple of minutes there, and they’ve got one freak show wight in the middle of them like they’re playing a game of hot potato. Apparently these fuckers can let out a porcine like screech that calls ALLLLLLLTHEFUCKING WIGHTS and White Walkers to their defense. And they come in a cloud of smoke. Dafuq?
And now Gendry is getting sent to run the 50 mile dash to the wall to get a raven to Daenerys? And Tormund made him give him his only weapon? Dude. I thought these guys were bros.
Nevermind. There’s an ice zombie apocalypse upon the Dream Team of the North.
And this is where I put my pillow up to my mouth and keep it there for the next half hour.
Wait just a second. These ice people walk straight into the ice? But they can’t die that way so are they walking under the ice? I am so confused.
RUN! GENDRY! RUN!!!!!!!
And he was RUNNING!!!!!
And still RUNNING!
This standoff is a bit awkward. These brainless twits feel more compassion for one of their fellow zombie fuckers than most humans do towards each other. Maybe we could learn a lesson from them. But definitely not in the hygiene department. Ick. Faceless dude needs a new jaw. He probably dipped.
Yay!!! Gendry made it back to the wall and the raven is off!!! This should (in reality) take about two weeks to get to Dragonstone.
MNWNW: Do you think they used the extras from TWD to fill in for all of the…oh SHIT! Thoros is dead! How are they gonna resurrect Berrick when he dies again?
Me: I don’t think they’re supposed to. The series only has one more season. Look! Flaming Sword again!!! Hey, can Jon use the flaming sword since he’s a dead guy, too?
Ace: You ladies think about this show far too much.
Me: You talk far too much. Shush it.
Ohhhhhh, and now the geniuses are figuring out how to take down the Walkers.
I hate that mother fucker on the hill. He’s just evil. Maybe he’s Bran dressing up because he’s jealous he didn’t get to go to Sansa’s wedding?
Yep, the Hound’s going to hell. He just called all the Lords (and not the ones of the houses) cunts. Even I have boundaries.
MNWNW: OMG!!!! How stupid is Sansa! Don’t send Brienne! If we have learned nothing, have we not learned DO NOT SEND BRIENNE AWAY!!!
Me: This is bad. So very bad. And Sansa is a brat. Someone needs to bitchslap her.
Me: Oh, Littlefucker. I hate him so much.
MNWNW: Death by dragon fire would be suitable.
Me: Death by that fucking bear would’ve been better.
MNWNW: Then we’d have a White Walker Littlefucker at the right hand of the Night King. No spank you.
Ace: Welp, that was shit.
Wait, I want her coat! Get me that coat for Christmas! Halloween! My birthday! I don’t care! I NEED the DRAGON QUEEN’S COAT!!!!! And the dragon, just FYI.
Three dragons flying off a cliff – this is so bad ass. I just got goosebumps. She better say “Dracarys.”
And the hound is staring at the Wights and calling them dumb cunts. This will not end well. And, yep. He just threw a rock at them and apparently they are sentient beings because when the ice didn’t crack, they started moving. Awww, fuck is right, ya dumb cunt.
Me: At least the good guys have the high ground?
MNWNW: Where are THE FUCKING DRAGONS??????
By the way, Cupcake checked out on us because, ThronesYall, and she must watch in mostly silence. Our running commentary during the show distracts her.
Don’t die, Tormund! Don’t die, Hound! Your bromance cannot end so soon! Give us some more of those fucking Valarian steel swords and the fiery ones!
HOLYSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!!!!!!! Daenerys has arrived with the fucking dragons!!!!!!
Whoa, burn baby, burn!
And hold on. what is this fucking Night King doing with an ice spear as Jon annihilates all the people who ————
George R.R. Martin, you have no soul, you fucking bastard.
I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. Ok, I’m crying. And that look on Jon’s face just gave me goosebumps. He’s gonna murder him some Night King.
Oh, and hey, Rickon, if you can see this from the afterlife, Daenerys knows how to zig AND zag with six other people of her fucking dragon. Not that hard. You could’ve done it. You’d still be alive.
My heart. It’s broken.
Me: Hey, MNWNW, we’ve totes got to scratch the Inigo design. New idea – My name is Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains. You killed my child. Prepare to die.
Wait a second – Jon pulled himself out of the lake – and did Longclaw’s eyes just open? That was creepy.
And was that a wolf head on the outline of the dragon’s body falling through the ice. I have so many questions and nobody is answering me?
Who’s the fucking headless horseman slinging his way through the white walkers?
WTF? Is this like the goddamn Titanic? Sorry Jack, no room for you on this floating board. Sorry, Uncle Benjen, can’t fit a second person on this horse!
Oh. My. Gawd. Dany just saw her own child die and fall from the sky right in front of her. And like any good Targaryen would, Jon Fucking Snow abandoned hopping on a motherfucking dragon to go kick some Night King White Walker ass to avenge Viserion because no one fucks with a Targaryen’s dragons. And even if he doesn’t know it yet (thanks Bran, you worthless shit spattered muppet fart of a three-eyed raven who could’ve told everyone that Jon is Rhaegar’s son fucking MONTHS AGO), Jon just went to war for his MOTHERFUCKING dragon. Because, dragons. And I’m still crying about the fact that my favorite dragon is now in the hands of that “Come at me bro” bitch. Jon better hack him in half like the bitch he is before this series ends or I’m going to write a very impolitely worded letter to those terrorist bitch ass thundertwonks, Weiss and Beinoff (or whatever their names are – Martin’s Satan’s spawn on earth).
Great, Sansa’s sneaking into Arya’s room now. Can we please go back and mourn the loss of my poor Viserion? Nope? We get to look at faces. Awesome. Arya’s either going to slice her face off or fuck with her head. At this point, IDGAF.
Me: Oh, goody, the game of faces. What’s a lie?
MNWNW: But she doesn’t want to play!
Me: But she doesn’t get a choice – she’s got a Valarian dagger in her hand.
MNWNW: Bullshit! Arya never wanted to wear those pretty dresses! LIES!!!! ALLLLLL LIES!!!!!!
Me: Where’s Rhaegal? Did he just disappear?
Ace: FFS, woman! Enough of the dragons!
I may or may not have hit him with a pillow.
Oh, wait. Hellooooooo shirtless Jon Snow waking up and immediately apologizing to Dany. TAKE NOTE, MEN!!!! That’s the way it’s done.
Is this the “boat” scene we’ve been hearing about.
Me: Season One, we were all “Ick, BOOOOO!!! Incest is gross! Jamie and Cersei are sick!” Season Seven and we’re all cheering, “Come on Jon, get it on with your aunt!!!! Incest is best!” Wait, what? Did he just call her “My Queen?”
I can’t even with this episode anymore. It’s killing me.
Me: Yeah, you should get some rest FOR ALL THE SEX YOU’LL BE HAVING!
MNWNW: WITH YOUR AUNT!
Wait. HODOR!!! HOLD THE FUCKING DOOR!!!! (Too soon?) Where in the HELL did the White Walkers get leagues of fucking chain that would’ve hauled the Titanic out of the depths of the Atlantic? And the ultimate chain gang just happened to bring it along? Do they have their own three-eyed raven? If so, I say we give them Bran in exchange for Ice Ice Viserion. Worthless piece of bird flesh. And I’m still bitter he got his direwolf killed, friend zoned Meera, and let’s not even talk about Hodor or I’m going to go nuclear on Bran. Wait… he’s probably reminiscing about how beautiful Sansa’s ass looked whilst Ramsey…. Whoop, wait, isn’t that too far for even GoT to go? I don’t know. Bran’s seriously fucked in the head. And MIA. Send a fucking raven FFS. Gendry got one to Khaleesi and he had to have all his damn toes falling off from running a longer marathon than Forrest Gump ran in the middle of summer.
Speaking of Khaleesi, who DOES her wardrobe, because I am in serious need of that jacket for this winter. I may even forego my plea for a dragon for a full month if I get that coat. Fine. A week.
Ok, back to Mr. Gold Medal Javelin thrower who appears to be mute. How’s he going to make Viseri-Ice Ice Baby breathe ice-fire if he can’t say “Dracarys” or whatever the ice equivalent of “burn them with ice fire” happens to be? Hmmmmmm? Not so smart now, are ya, David and D.B.? Did you think of that, George R.R., ya dragon killer with no soul?
And, out of the blue….
Cupcake: I AM NOT OK RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
MNWNW: I’m basically dying.
Me: George R.R. Martin can suck my dick.
MNWNW: Fucking fuck fuck fuckers.
Me: Ace is laughing at my distress. So I punched him.
Cupcake: However, I am super pumped to see Jon Snow give The Queen the D. #WhatDatMouthDo
MNWNW: I feel like I did when Dumbledore died. WHAT. THE. FUCK? An ICE DRAGON??????
Me: But he can’t order him to breathe fire or ice because HE CAN’T TALK! And I am renaming my animals. Asscat can be Viserion, because I still love him even if he is dead inside.
And with that, two hours and counting, friends…. To the extreme I rock a mike like a vandal… Ice Ice Baby, too cold.